Sunday, June 17, 2007

How Can I Be...

I tried to live alone, but lonely is so lonely, alone.
So human as I am, I had to give up my defences.
So I smiled and tried to mean it, to let myself let go.
Lyrics from Any Other World by Mika

Things are always easy to be said than done...

Yesterday I went to the Brisbane Pride Festival, but I didn't enjoy it as much as I thought and you might wonder why. Trust me, there's absolutely nothing wrong with the Festival, the weather was perfect, the atmosphere of Pride, happiness and union were filled in the air, and of course, there were plenty of hot guys to pleasure my eyes, but I was the one to blame for pushing myself away from the whole experience that the gay and lesbian community kindly offered and I wasn’t proud of it.

It might sound pathetic, but throughout the whole afternoon at the Festival, I didn't feel like I was fitting in at all especially when you saw guys were chatting, dancing, hugging, kissing, or laughing with each other. I just felt a bit insecure and out of place. In fact, I was feeling lonely. I didn't talk to anyone or take part in any activities (though I really wanted to do a painting based on the subject of prejudice at one of the tents). Instead, I just walked round and round the fairground like a lost soul and left the place few hours later while the party carried on.

I've never thought of being a loner is a big issue, but when I see all the people are having fun at the Festival, it really hits (hurts) me that I am actually all by myself, and realize I don't actually have a close group of gay friends to share my true feeling with, which I think this is something that I missing in my life. Of course, I know there are many solutions to this 'issue' but whenever I wanna do it, I feel very fearful to make the first move. I hate this fear. I just hate it yet don’t know how to defeat it.

The theme of this year’s Brisbane Pride Festival is prejudice. Honestly, I will never prejudice other people, but am I prejudicing myself here? I guess I am as there’s a part of me still not accepting myself of being gay. Or should I call this 'self-rejection'?

Well, I don't normally share my unhappiness openly and I hope I am not upsetting you too much. Let's just say Pr8 is not as 'perfect' as you think, there are still lots of secrets and doubts about this troubled kid =P

15 comments:

Orlando said...

Dear Mr. Pr8:

I'm sorry you felt so lonely at the Fair. I hope you'll feel better soon. Don't give up hope: I'm sure the right guy will come into your life when the time is right. You're cute, you're bright, you're funny, you write well, and you have a good heart. Any guy who dates you or makes friends with you is lucky, indeed. I hope you'll find all that your heart desires and that you'll realize that you're a pretty great guy, just as you are. I always enjoy reading your blog no matter what you talk about or how you may be feeling. So post whatever you feel like sharing; I'm sure your true fans will support you no matter what. I know I sure do! Bye for now.

Love, Orlando

Anonymous said...

I just want to say that there are some other people who feel the same like you. Thank you for sharing your unhappiness..

Darcey said...

You are not the only one who feels lonely at events like that. I too don't have a circle of gay friends and I think it affects how I view the gay community at large. Sometimes I feel I don't fit in with them. I accept that I am gay but feel like an outsider looking in. I am moving to Vancouver soon and will join some gay groups to meet people with similar interests who are also gay. Perhaps then I will truly feel like I am part of the gay brotherhood. My advice to you is to join some groups as well. Sports, book clubs, exercise ... anything that interests you. The first few steps are hard but the sense of community is worth the effort.

Tone said...

Hey man, don't go hitting yourself just cos it didn't work out at Pride. Let's face it, you have just moved half way round the world to a new city; you haven't, as yet, built up a circle of friends; you've started a new job etc etc, so it's hardly surprising that feelings of loneliness and isolation will occasionally rear their heads. Give yourself some space to go out and mingle with like minded people - track down the people who ran the painting session at the tent and see about joining their group, then post your finished work of art on here for us all to admire! That first step in joining a new group is always filled with a sense of trepidation but, as Darcey said, you sound to be one hell of a great guy with a lot of sound thoughts and ideas, so I would think that you will have no problem fitting in. Just give yourself time and realise that you've only just begun to settle into this new life - the good things will follow.
As always, I really admire your honesty and look forward to your posts so am looking forward to that upbeat, positive blog in the near future.

Joseph said...

Hi, just to say that you're not alone at being lonely (if that makes sense) & that we, PR8-addicted blog readers, will support you the only way we can: keeping reading & posting comments...

jemmytee said...

Muffin, you reach out to others on the internet. You host a blog filled with love and hope and dreams and moments of your life. No question it's hard to make online words and worlds break a real-life silence...but you will learn how. I know you will. You're in a whole new place filled with people who would love to be a part of your journey. You've already taken the first step -- going to the Pride Festival. Now participate in other ways. Volunteer to make meals for AIDS patients. Help plan next year's Pride Festival. Just do filing for Brisbane's Gay Center. Anything along those lines. Such actions require nothing more than time and space...but emotional openess will flow from such actions, and your world will expand with it. And never forget, you will always have your online family's support and love, no matter what. Hugs.

Anonymous said...

Cheer up, Matilda...you're beautiful inside and out....think and act positive and you'll find your Prince Charming eventually, but you may have to kiss a few frogs along the way....nobody said that life's perfect...you're in a new world...make some friends and take a Prozac before you go to bed.

-Wicked ;-)

Aryn said...

Ya, you and me are in the same boat man! I only know one other gay guy, and he doesn't even talk to me! I feel for you, but keep holding on!

tom-tom said...

Hi PR8 (sorry, it sounds strange, but as I don't know your real name....),

it's really great to read such an honest statement about your experience at the Pride Festival. Congratulations! You might have felt lonely with so many people around you, but not to hide these feelings and frankly tell us about your feelings shows what a very nice guy you are.

All the best from Europe...
Mark

Ajay said...

Hey,

This is my first time here. Actually stumbled upon your space be accident. And what a gem it has turned out to be!

'Self-rejection' is okay. There will be parts of our personality or anything else that we will always dislike. Hate seems to be a strong word. So if there is self rejection, that is not bad.

As for loneliness, aren't we all lonely. I moved to Sydney a little more than a year back. I tried to plunge into the scene, but the shallowness of the whole thing came as a shock. I do not mind the lies, the deception or anything else.. But the shallowness of all things gay as exemplified in Oxford street disappointed me. But now I know better. I am what I am. And if things are bound to happen to me, they will. I will wait. I think I am too much of a romantic, but till now I have tried not to become cynical. I have resisted it will all my might. And you, my friend never ever be cynical. That way you will be digging your own grave..

Sorry, I might have sounded harsh at places.

And yeah, you have a great thing going on here.

Ajay

P@t said...

Great blog !! thanks for the add to your links, I linked you back of course !! Don't feel sad, ups and downs are part of live! Make the first move to meet people! get over that insecureness! but you have to take initiatives mate, f.ex look out for people with the same attitude as yourself, harder to spot, but you'll find them at any fair i guarentee you, talk to them, they'll appreciate it !! cause they're in the same boat. I know it's easy talking, but first try it and then blame me ! we live in a hard world and no one is gonna do it for ya!!! take care mate and greetz from P@trick

Anonymous said...

You're not the only one, it's normal to feel that way I guess

Shaney said...

I never went for the same reasons babe...Actually when ever I go out it is alone & I usually wind up home a few hours later, or decidely drunk so that I could care less what others thought of my being the loner...But then I figured, at least I am getting myself out there amongst it all...I might not have a group of raging party animals at my side but at least my presence is their...We can all wear our pride anytime & anywhere, dont let one instance dampen your spirits, there's always next year or the one after that, or the one after that, or the...................................................................................................................... hugs mate xox

Suffocating Closet said...

I feel the same way like you... self-rejection, lonely, no-one I can speak to... really NO-ONE... so, lonely and I really need love.

brenton said...

hey mate,
I've just found your blog because you sent a hit or two to mine.

It's funny isn't it that you can be in the middle of thousands of people and even with some great friends and still feel lonely. It happens from time to time. As we here in Australia feel the cold of winter, I really notice how big and empty my bed is with just little old me in it. Lying there wishing someone was spooning me while we sleep with his breath on the back of my neck and his arms around me.

You aren't alone in your loneliness mate. Chin up.
B x