Saturday, May 29, 2010

What Went Wrong...

Last night, me and Him went on our sixth 'date' to see a ballet performance at the Royal Opera House. The ballet was brilliant, the wine was sweet and the conversation was flowing. And as usual, I went and stayed at His place, shared the same bed and cuddling each other through the night.

I had an absolute wonderful time until this afternoon, just when I thought everything went exceptionally smoothly, He sat me down and told me that things wouldn't work out between us, friendship, yes, but relationship, no, and He didn't want to lead me on. Thanks for your honesty.

Well, as you could imagine, I was completely stunned by His words. The first question that came to my mind was, "What went wrong?" but I couldn't think of any.

Of course I would like to find out the reason(s) behind His decision, but I was too confuse to ask anything. I thanked Him for telling me the truth and I reassured Him that I was okay, but deep inside, I was devastated.

As I left His house, He seemed calm and fine with the whole 'clearing up' and told me to keep in touch, but I wasn't sure if that would be the right thing for me to do.

On my way home on the bus, I felt so empty yet angry at myself for being so naive (once again) by getting my hopes up for someone. But am I the only one to blame?

Don't worry, I felt much better now after clearing my chest (and watching Eurovision 2010) with my super duper housemates. Their advice for me was, "At least you know the truth now, so close this chapter and move on! We know you well and you deserve someone who deserves you. Now, where's the QX magazine, let's find someone for you tonight!"

C'est la vie!


Jeremiah Andrews said...

Before you get back online and into that Grindr, take some time to decompress. Rushing into something called "revenge sex" or "poor me sex" think first.

Let time be your guide and take the time to process His news. Trust me, if you rush the process all that will come of it is more pain.

At least it did not go any further. Maybe he was scared himself as well? Maybe things were too right to continue? Don't over analyze this too much.

You never know what may happen next. Maybe a little down time will sort out his head as well.

So don't go do something stupid.

Keep us posted.

Chin up young person. The sun will come up in the morning.


PR8 said...

Don't worry, I didn't do any silly thing last night and I'm not intend to have any "revenge sex" either. And thank you so much for your kind comment!

thewhitecat said...

My heart goes out to you..I've been there and it's a shitty feeling. But in a short while you'll be back out an about meeting new guys and down the road you'll have forgotten all about this fellow. Take care of your self and I'm sending you loads of good thoughts all the way from Canada. :-)

twinkly said...

Hugs, from Australia

barryearle said...

First, his breakup with you is not about you; it's about him. While it would be nice to know "what went wrong," the truth is that nothing went wrong. It's about him, not you. If you had that desired conversation with him, what you might learn is some things about him. And if he, instead, used "you," "you," and "you," it would still be about him.

Second, all dating takes us into "limerance," a stage of initiation in which we are between our previous state of being and the next state which we hope involves him. And so, we're on our good behavior. Meanwhile, we are projecting onto this Other all our hopes and desires. The real person hasn't emerged yet.

Everything you described about your dates suggests limerance, during which we do nothing to interrupt or disturb the other person for fear of ending the relationship prematurely. In other words, we live in a 24-hour polite zone. This usually lasts about 6 months at which point the reality of the other person (and of you to him) begins to emerge and the real work on a relationship begins. Unfortunately, you had a major disturbance in limerance: you were floating one minute and hit the ground the next. So, naturally, you're hurt, confused, and feeling both angry and guilty. The natural process was disturbed, leaving you hanging. As others have suggested, this will pass.

Third, if this is a regular pattern for you, you might explore why you pick the kind of man who dates a few weeks and then drops you. At this point, it is about you and not him. But it's not about your deodorant or your sexual proclivities. It's about your choice of men, the qualities you are looking for which may not be the qualities that are best for you.

As a mediation teacher once asked, "Why in a room of 1000 people does the only masochist find the only sadist?" It's about energy and mutual attraction and needs and expectations. We find the kind of man who meets our needs even if those needs are not ultimately fulfilling. Change your needs, and you will change the kind of man you attract

For example, I'm a co-dependent and would pick men who needed to be taken care of. After a few years, I'd resent this role and the relationship would dissolve by my instigation only to begin again with another man who needed caring and feeding. Only until I became aware of this did I finally alter the kind of man I would attempt a relationship with. If I saw a sad-eyed man looking at me, I'd run in the other direction, leaving my "mothering" instincts in the dust.

If you find yourself repeating the same pattern with the same kind of man, it's time to look at yourself. It's not about him; it's about you.

Life is a journey and you are the pathway you're traveling. If you don't like the scenery, change the pathway.

Anonymous said...

6 dates...not enough time to really know someone in my opinion. Someday you'll find Mr. Right...Don't give up!

Anonymous said...

I've enjoyed your blog in a passing through sort of way. It is sad when we encounter loss of any kind and this is no different. But love is a very different emotion and there is no way six dates no matter how much time passes equates to love leading into a relationship. What is really shitty is that this perfectly lovely gentleman (would you date any other kind) knew "his" conversation was coming and didn't have the balls to have it the night before saving you the very real grief of a morning after shocker. Really unkind. That is not the kind of man I would want to spend the rest of my life with. Not even another hour. Remember him so you don't repeat him. Good luck in your hunt for love. Good men still exist and plenty of them are available.

thegayte-keeper said...

Better things will come...