Friday, October 01, 2010

Sexual Anorexia...

Maybe I'm missing something but I was left speechless when a friend recently told me that he and his 17-year long-term boyfriend/partner no longer have sex with each other, but instead take their respective penises to the internet, bar or sauna, i.e. an open relationship.

Nevertheless, he assured me that they are still emotionally committed (they still share the same bed naked) but are only sexually aroused by encounters with men outside their relationship.

He also kinda suggested I'd be the same if I'm in a realationship with someone for that long period of time! Damn, is he telling me that I won't be making love with someone I love? Now, I'm worried!


Kian said...

like i heard on a show that i liked a great deal but can no longer remember, Monogamy is for lesbians >.>

if being in an open relationship is what helps maintain that relationship then that's what they should do, trying to force yourself to conform to the generally accepted relationship type will only lead to.... not good things, unhappiness and such >.>

Anonymous said...

Dear Will My Darling,

What he's telling you is that for some people, being really in love is the glue that keeps them together even after genital "sex" attraction has lessened or petered out. This happens to some humans of every type of orientation. while it seems wierd and unnatural, historically it happens to a large number of humans, at least at the latter stages of their life due to natural physical causes like impotence, Erectile Dysfunction, various cardio-vascular & diabetic conditions etc. Women during or post Menopause can loose all the Testosterone and become frigid. Some experience this for psychological and emotional reasons. Some for deep spiritual reason in their relationship.

For those that have loved partners such as these, they choose to role with the punches out of love's bond & familiarity and stay with their mate.

Not all partners are broadminded and will allow open genital relationships outside the exclusive relationship, so this can be a hard pill to swallow for the still genitally active partner.

It needs to be remembered that such a relationship, while no longer genital per se, is still very essentially sexual in terms of an enormous & indespensible affection,intimacy, confidence, reliance etc. that a couple have deeply developed and bonded throughm, over the years.

In all probability, emotionally and spiritually, their genitility has done its work, catapulted them to a different sexual plane, where it is no longer as important as the other dimensions and values of TOTAL SEXUALITY.

So, there are a whole host of other major qualities of TOTAL SEXUALITY that are at play in the decision to continue on with a no-longer-genital partner or partnership, including a love and affection that transcend mere genitility.

I know that your health ed classes in school didn't prepare for this, but it is an important aspect of life you should know about. Being aware of this may help you be useful to a friend someday, if not yourself.

lotsa luv,


Anonymous said...

Maybe they are simply scared to move on and therefore settle for a "compromise" to save security and safety and the comfort of not having to go through the - yes hell - of finding another soul mate. A non-sexual relationship is not a complete one. They shuld simply be friends and try to find a relationship that does yes incude good hot fucks.
To belittle sex is to belittle the most important aspect of the unity between to souls. Sex is the glue. So whatever the reason maybe its simply time to move on - but fear steps in and says "where will you go? Who will you find?"
Sex without love is a total bummer. Saunas and seedy sex in the shadows... How can we feed on that?? Sorry - its an illness.

dougie64 said...

Wow, that last comment is harsh. do not judge until you are in the situation. I have been with my husband for 20 years and we love each other beyond belief, but for reasons we wont go into here, he is no longer interested in the sexual component of our relationship. So what, I have sex with other men, I do not talk about it, it does not happen in our home, and we both are in the same bed each and every night. According to Betty Berzon, a respected psychologist, it is very normal for male couples to go outside of the relation ship in the mid years for sex. A loving relationship can be just that with out the sex, we do cuddle and kiss etc, and why would I leave him because he cannot(or will not) at this time? It certainly is not fear. Sex without love can be a lot of fun, Love with out sex is amazing, try it sometime.

Craig said...

Speaking as a man in a long term relationship of 19+ years with my husband, to claim that "sex is the glue", as Anonymous claims, is simply stupid. Sex is a wonderful component to our relationship - yet after 19 years - it is certainly not the part of our relationship that keeps us together.

Our relationship is so very much more than about sex. We love each other deeply. We support each other in our life. Love is our glue. Trust is our glue. Caring is our glue. True interpersonal intimacy is our glue.

To put it simply - sex is not about love. Sex is about power, endorphins and feeling good (for a few minutes), releasing tension, fantasies, fetishes, taboos and sometimes procreation. It has noting really to do with love other that it can occur in a loving relationship - and in the right situation, love makes sex all the better - however love is hardly necessary to the sex act.

I love my husband more than life itself sometimes (and trust me, I am as selfish as the next guy), I hurt when he hurts, I am happy when he is happy, and vice versa. If he needed to step outside our relationship to meet his sexual needs I would support him 100% and I would trust him to not bring anything like as std back to our bed. He would to the same for me.

Our relationship was never built on a foundation of sex. We built it with our emotions, not our genitals.