Thursday, January 05, 2012

Gay & Bothered...

Today I met up with a friend who I hadn't seen for almost three years. It's good to catch up with him again but something bothered me.

You see, he's an old school friend of mine and he (still) doesn't know I'm gay, nor does he suspect it (to the best of my knowledge). We did talk about relationship (he's now married and has a child) but I just breezed swiftly past the subject by saying something like, "I'm still single and I'm not seeing anyone at the moment because I've been too busy with my flat, my job, my life, etc etc."

Well, what I wanna know is if I did the right thing by not telling him I'm gay. I mean, I didn't deny I'm gay. And does it matter if he knows I'm gay? Does everyone I know need to know I'm gay?


Kian said...

being gay isn't something everyone needs to know, you being gay doesn't affect him, he didn't directly ask so you aren't lying, your sexuality is only a small part of you and really isn't anyone's business unless your interested in them.

Razor38 said...

No,not everyone needs to know you are gay unless that is what you want. If you travel in gay circles, your friends already know. Relatives and friends who are straight probably do not want to know.

Vers Freedom said...

That's a hard topic. I would just be honest if he directly asks. It all depends on if you are comfortable with him knowing.

Anonymous said...

Will Darling,

Here's one way of looking at it:

You must discern using your best judgement whether an explanation of your orientation and life is necessary in the nuanced context of a particular encounter. i.e. does it really matter whether or not they know you Gay or understand your orientation.
to wit: how many heteros do you know and encounter feel any need to reveal or discuss what their orientation is beyond what may be obvious? Not many. And so, the same should be with you, unless of course you have a larger purpose that would require such a self revelation. There is nothing wrong with "letting sleeping dogs be" and just enjoying the wonderful human being that you are and the common humanity that is your mutual bond. You will exhaust yourself emotionally and psychologically if you waste your energy on unnecessary explainations. lf we spend our whole lives explaining away or apologizing for our orientations, we will never really live, and people will wonder whether or not we have really accepted ourselves and our orientations.
Years ago, when I met you on line, you were just curious and exploring. Then you were possibly bi, then you got really brave and honest and owned up to be a real Gay man. All of that was good. It was your progression on your path, like millions of others. So you have come a long way, and you should be thankful you arrived and proud of who you are and your ability to stand up and take care of yourself. I am proud of you and thankful for you,too. You are a better human and person and man and Gay for all of that accomplishment. PEACE!



Jaartal said...

Why shouldn't he know, is the right question I guess!

Anonymous said...

This reminds of an encounter a friend of mine had when joining a group discussing youth issues. He was met by the leader who said 'Hi, my name's John, and I'm gay'. To which my friend replied 'Hi, I'm Brian, and I'm straight. Now can we get on with discussing youth issues'.
Moral of the story, as I see it, is why there should this compulsion to announce to all and sundry, most of whom frankly don't care one way or the other.
P-D de R.

Colin Izzard said...

This is one of those issues for which there is never an easy answer and it depends on people and settings and even the passage of time. For many in the past, there has been a period of questioning, exploring, embracing or denying that builds up a pressure that eventually is vented by a coming out, a cathartic release. That point of self determination is very liberating and when fresh is often shared with many that ultimately do not need to know and part of the process is testing those around you for acceptance in line with hopes and fears.
True friends will always be friends even if they do not understand your sexuality but in the heightened state of liberation we forget that people notice so little.
Over the last 50 years many societies have changed and have gone from hostility to tolerance to welcoming or indifference, some communities have a way to go. This means that in some cases that revealing you are gay no longer shocks or is seen as issue.
For now, enjoy whatever way you express yourself. Be true to yourself and as you say do not deny if the right question actually came up. Hopefully another encounter may give you more peace but it could be a long time before it becomes a discussion point.
Despite the above as a society and identity we never want to be ignored to the point we feel smothered or denied and this is why so many still wish another to know their sense of self identity matters.
The worst in life is where we lose friends because they are too scared of exploring what any form of sexuality is and reduce everything to thoughts of physical action through their ignorance.
I came out many years ago, it was right at the time though I cringe how I remember I handled some parts but have no wish to change that past nor restrict my future and the best I can do is support anyone to be themselves when it matters even if they make others cringe or are faced with indifference

Anonymous said...

He talked about HIS relationship, I would have talked about mine (or lack of one since you are single), mentioning what I like. You Brits will appreciate this quote: "To thy own self be true, as cometh the nigh or the day, thou canst not be false to any man..." (Shakespeare)